Pain

What the hell? I've got a stomach ache. I've had it since I was ten years old. Something happened, I can't remember what, and I've had this stomach ache ever since. I went to doctors for years, drank unfathomable amounts of Mylanta and ate all sorts of Tums. No go. Still got the stomach ache. Now it's getting worse.

I've also got this intense back pain that I take vicodin for. I was recently diagnosed with arthritis. I just turned 34. I'm falling apart.

I'm certainly not making things better with all the beer I drink. But it numbs the pain a little more. I think my liver is probably suffering. I'm too scared to get my blood work done to find out exactly how much damage my liver has sustained. Denial. It's my best friend at the moment.

I keep fucking up. I keep straining friendships with all my blathering. I'm isolating myself, and sometimes I think I do it on purpose. Quit whining, I tell myself. At least you're not a teenage girl getting raped in Darfur. But then I have to live with myself from day to day and I turn myself inward more & more. I keep getting sick and I won't quit smoking. Something is horribly wrong. I think it has something to do with the stomach ache.